Feeling SAD..

I woke up feeling tired, confused and sad.

What hubby said to me about how impatient I can be when it came to being a mother made me really well… sad.. I thought I was doing my best. I know I can lose my temper and boy can I! But I thought I was doing the best as I can..

What makes a good mother?
How can I be one?
Am I on the right track?
How can I do things right?

I come home during lunch so that we can spend the time we have before I go to classes after work.
I come home and cook when I can so he eats as well as the rest of the family when im on my study leave.
I sacrifice my favorite TV shows just so that he watches his favorite interactive cartoons.
I enjoy watching him smile and laugh every time I praise him for doing something good.
I enjoy him going “yum!yum!” everytime he eats my cooking.
I enjoy tickling him and hear him squeal..
I enjoy everything about him..

Mum said that he is the exact replica of me when I was his age. He has my temper, my features, my character and worse, my tantrums! All I had to do was use reverse physiology on him.. Been doing that plang for the past few days and so far I have manage to control my anger when dealing with his tantrums. And he sees his mummy acting all weird so he’ll just stops what he was doing and continue watching Pocoyo. So what mum said was right! Alhamdullilah. I pray to god I can keep my disciplinary technique that way.

But… I was also thinking, Should I be at the blame solely? I mean sometimes I could use the extra help around the house too you know. When im not around, I would appreciate if the family members would help to monitor at what his eating and how much his eating ( the amah is horrible at cooking and I can only wake up at 5.30 most of the time when the ones where I wake up late – tired banar tah ku), ensure that the place is kept tidy kah, uras2 on the carpet tolong vacuum sikit2 kah.. but most of the time I FEEL (feel ah..bukan pointing fingers ) semua depend on me to do it.

Every since the maid has her mobile, she cant be bothered to cook proper food let alone for herself.. lacy bitch.. Im only keeping quiet because she doesn’t treat Aiman badly but still seriously, you cant use jaga anak as an excuse.. Aiman naps at least 2 hours straight each day.. What does she do in that 2 hours? Tau ku jua ia meliat tv kali tu ah.

I go back home to cook for the family and especially aiman who i know is usually hungry by 5.30 and 6 pm. And of course, mum and pam is usually back at that time as well. I cook, set the table, feed Aiman early and all of us have family dinner. After that everyone helps out with the washing.. Fine.. No complains there. But after that everytone starts doing their own business.

For example last nite, on the living room table there were about 2 milk bottles lying around. Busy with guest who were coming to house, I assumed my sis who was using the very same table, using her laptop and the bottle under her nose would put it away… After dinner (ended around midnight) and cleaning the kitchen etc etc, the bottles were still at the same spot ani bah! Macam nada orang peduli kan alihkan to the kitchen kah.. tolong cuci kah.. NADA.

Kan tagur jadi kelahi..

One will tell me “its my rest day! No one understands me!” and…
I can’t push hubby jua because he’s tired from work and his leisure time is guitar, sleep and be in the room with his laptop or sit infront of his PC. (better then entertaining affairs)
Mum would say “ well, this is what marriage and motherhood is all about. Bear with it.”

You see what I mean?.. manakan simple things like that ku ticked off. Kan meletup, you meletup sendiri and plp think you’re dramatizing.. APAKAN?

Oh no… please don’t tell me its my hormones. I think that excuse its all bullshit.

Look, I can just look at the other way and not think about these small petty details and have it affect me. But can anyone stand their homes macam atu? Heck, even the car i drive sampah nada berbuang after they use the car! Atu pun cannot buang straight away kah? A few days in the car ani bah! Tikus wouldnt want to makan because everything is dried up by the sun!

You’d do the same wouldn’t you?
You’d feel the same. Wouldn’t you?

I thought writing out would make me feel better.. But if this continues, I can only pray that I stay sane and strong.

Ya allah.. keampunan-Mu lebih luas daripada dosaku. Dan kasih sayang-mu lebih aku harapkan daripada amalan ku..

Bee-Outch